"This past weekend, Steve had a pizza delivered to his place. But as he sat down to enjoy a slice, he discovered a piece of wood baked into the cheese. Not a splinter or a hunk but a half inch thick, 4” by 4” piece of timber. “Did you order the Lumberjack Special?”I asked. It turns out he’d ordered Pepperoni & Cheese. And, to the best of his knowledge, wood (chunky, splintered, or otherwise) was not among the list of available toppings.
"Steve picked up the phone and called up the pizza chain’s main office, not to berate anyone or score any sort of freebie, but to find out what kind of response his story would elicit. Would the person on the other end of the phone be shocked? Incredulous? Profusely apologetic? Try barely interested. She sighed as if to suggest this sort of thing happened all the time, then consulted some handy chart that let her know what, presumably, finding a 4” by 4” piece of wood in your pizza entitled you to. Turns out, it’s a pizza of equal value."
He then speculates what such a chart would consist of.
"Foreign Object: Monocle.
Compensation: 2 medium pizzas.
Foreign Object: Monocle worn by Werner Kemplerer during his run as Colonel Link on Hogan’s Heroes.
Compensation: 2 medium pizzas + order of wacky bread.
Foreign Object: Glass shard (any size)
Compensation: Order of spicy wings + large Coke or 7-Up.
Foreign Object: Lemur skull.
Compensation: 2 large pizzas."